Power Off

I have been home for a week now, and I need to write down what the past few days have been like. I don't have a lot of energy, but in a few words here it is: I must have been on some kind of adrenaline high through two weeks of Cabrillo and now I'm on the other side of it, crashing every few hours.

I haven't felt this way in over a year, but at dinner a few nights ago I felt the sensation of my whole body shutting down.

Power off. Sofa.

Nothing like an emergency situation, but it was a familiar way to go for a few months after the surgeries when I was convalescing. Back then I would try to do a few things around the house, then when I felt the OFF I went to the couch and stayed horizontal until it passed. Body was still healing and I didn't fight it. It's been a long time since I felt this need to SHUT DOWN.

When we arrived at Cabrillo a few weeks ago, I wondered if I would be up against this phenomenon. A few days in, I did come up against the "marathon wall" and I pushed through it instead of backing off as usual. Much to my surprise I didn't pay for it the next day. Instead, I felt more and more "normal" in energy level than perhaps I ever have since the surgeries. (There were a lot of bear claws and espressos in the mix too.) It was a rush, and I rode the wave all the way through our last notes at the festival.

Since we came home, I have felt my body "relax into" moments. If I had to guess, my body latched onto this idea of letting go for a while and it just shuts down. It's hard to describe exactly, because it's not the same as "I'm so dog tired ... give me the remote and a glass of wine." No, this is—quite seriously—horizontal shut-down mode. No reading, no TV, no sleep (surprisingly) but just ... well ... SHUT DOWN. That's the best I can describe it.

I'll end with some good news: On Friday I have a follow-up with the retinal specialist about the red dot. Since Cabrillo the red dot is gone, and I don't think this is a coincidence. There is a faint ghostly image still in my right eye, but for the most part it is gone. There is nothing like making great music with friends to take away anxiety in your life.